Pandora's Box for thumbs down

So i have a problem.

i don't like a song.  In fact, i hate it.  It bothers me every time i hear it, and it comes up a lot, because there's a live version, a regular version, and a version featuring someone that doesn't really feature them.  i hear this one song more than any other band or artist in a day of pandoraing.  For anyone who hasn't figured it out from all the obvious clues i've given, it's 'New Soul' by Yael Naem.  i like the song.  i mean, sort of... but i can't stand how often i hear it.  

So why don't i just thumbs down it?  Because at one point, this song opened my eyes to a whole new world.  After giving her the thumbs up, i was rewarded with Kate Nash, who is now one of my favourite artists.  Snap, she actually just started playing.  She's awesome, pretty cute, and finds ways to sing about romance while using swears in humourous ways (humorous?  i don't know, i'm trying to be British when i blog to impress her).  

Yael also introduced me to Emmy the Great.  She's pretty sweet to.  She's like a teenage version of the movie "A Mighty Wind."  And Emmy the Great introduced me to the Born Ruffians.

All of those bands, from thumbs upping one Yael Naem song.  i only have one thumbsed up.  The rest aren't, but i'm scared if i thumbs down them, i'll lose out on some band that i would have liked.

i'm torn.  Torn enough to blog for the first time in a long time.

Why I'm ashamed of Christian media

There's a whole series of books, a couple low budget movies, and probably tons of awesome merchandise out there related to the LaHaye/Jenkins creation of Left Behind.

The books are okay, and i know many Christians that enjoyed them.  i thought they were average, but it was nice to read some Christian literature that was decently written (You'll note that i'm avoiding saying things like 'well written' and 'good').  Truth be told, i never finished the series.  i got bored with them.  Most Christian books all have really predictable endings.  We all live happily ever... we being the Christians in the story.  By the end of the conflict resolution, characters are either saved or completely unsaveable... or, in happier stories, the characters are either winners if they are saved or losers if they aren't.

It's fine, i guess.  Mostly because Christians have a 'good enough' filter over everything.  The Left Behind movies were based off books that made the best sellers list for the New York Times... not counting the copies sold at Christian book stores.  That means they made a lot of money.  Where did that money go? and why was it not invested into making quality films?

It hurts my brain.  At least it did, until i found this:

There is a Left Behind video game.

i've got a whole blog about the game, but i'm saving it for another project i'm working on.  i'd suggest reading up on the game though, and getting it.  My online screenname for IGN play is CameronForceFive

O'blog'a

My friends, family, and co-worker Mark, today is a great day for the The Geniousphere.  Today, i found out that President Obama is left handed.   That's right, President Barack is a lefty, just like me.  In my post-inaugural bliss, i realized that this was the perfect angle for any story, and contacted his people about an interview.

ring ring

"Hello, you've reached the White House, this is White House Press Person A"

"Hello, i'd like an interview with Obama, please."

"One moment sir, I'll transfer you to the White House Interview Person I."

"Can you transfer me to White House Interview Person V?"

"Of course."

Some White House Hold music is playing at this point.  I'm trying not to be annoyed at their less-than-immediate response time.

"Hello, this is White House Interview Person V."

"Hello, can i interview Obama?  i'm from the internets, and i write for a left-friendly blog."

"Certainly sir, he'll be over in a few minutes."

i turned my television back on and saw that Obama wasn't at the ceremonies anymore.  i wondered where Obama would land  Air Force 1, but didn't worry about it.  He's a resourceful guy.  He won an election.  Shortly after i finished

20 minutes after the inauguration, i had a chance to sit down with President Obama and talk about how things are on the left.  

"Hello, citizen.  It's good to be here.  I am your president, Obama!!!!"

At this point i'm pretty impressed.  he's my president, and he uses more than the standard 3 exclamation marks.  i noticed that he does favour his left hand a bit when saying 'your'.  It makes me feel like i'm noticed.

"That's a pretty self-proclaiming proclamation."

"I'm sorry if it was a bit much.  I'm just so excited.  I've come a long way for this day, and it's finally here."

"You have come a long way, i'll give you that.  Tell me, what was it like growing up a minority?"

"It was hard at times.  I grew up in a lot of areas where there was segregation.  I was alwa-"

"You grew up somewhere that segregated 10% of the people?  How did families deal with being split"

"Families being split?  No, the families stuck together, so they weren't really split."

"Sins of the father..."

"What?  I don't think you can judge a father, or any person for that matter, on something they were born with."

"No, you can't.  You're right of course, but there are many less 'forward thinking' folk who do."

i offer Obama a Triscuit.  He politely refuses.

"There are many stereotypes to overcome.  People all over the world think that it leads to messier handwriting, but your penmanship is very neat and elegant, did it take a lot to overcome?"

"Excuse me?  I've never heard of a stereotype of African Americans having messier handwriting."

"African Americans?  No, man.  i'm talking about the plight of the left handed community right now.  People say we have messy handwriting, but look where the binding is.  It's what's keeping us down."

"Left handed?  You mean, you are a writer for the most left hand-friendly blog on the internets?"

"Yes, what did you think i meant?"

"I have to go.  I have to get back to the ceremonies."

"Alright, see you later."

As he leaves, i began writing.  It's good to have a president as aware of the trials of being left handed as i.  Perhaps he'll bring me on board as his left hand man.  Chuckles.

Really?

You call yourself my friend and you never told me i could watch every episode of Jackie Chan Adventures on hulu.com?

Toothpaste stained my shirt while i tried to use it to unstain my teeth.

i wasn't really trying

an excerpt from my childhood

Alright, you're right.  You won.  You scored 12 points more than me.  i guess that's a victory.  An empty victory.

When your mom called you in to go eat, you still hadn't scored 15.  15, do you remember that number.  It was the number we agreed to play to.  Since you hadn't scored that many, i feel like maybe it wasn't a legitimate win.  It's like when the Bulls won their 6th championship in 2 games, because the other team gave up.  Except i didn't give up.  That means you're the one who quit.

Besides, everyone knows that girls couldn't beat boys without government tampering.  If the government hadn't given you super powers, there's no way you would have made that shot from the free throw line.  

So here's what we have.  You had 12 points, i had 1.  You gave up before 15, and i thought we were playing golf basketball.  That means you are 12 strokes over me, and not to 15.  i might also point out that your two pointer was suspect at best, because i saw your foot on the crack.  You can't count a two pointer if both feet aren't behind the crack.  They poured the cement in this driveway for a specific reason.

In conclusion, i won.  That's right.  i'm the winner, smelly head.  

My theories on Lost

i like Lost.  i'm almost ashamed of it, after how last season went.  Long, boring, and slightly out of control.  Nevertheless, i watch it and i'm excited for the new season.  The reason i'm excited?  i know what's happening.  In fact, i know how the series is going to end.  If you're willing to risk the series being ruined, read ahead, otherwise turn back to this page in a couple years, when ABC promises it will end.

***SPOILER***

***ALERT!!!***

***SPOILER***

***ALERT!!!***

***SPOILER***

***ALERT!!!***

***SPOILER***

***ALERT!!!***

First things first, some of the less important subplot resolutions:

1.  M Night Shamalan will show up in the last episode.  Not because he had anything to do with the series.  Because in a year, he's going to be desperate for work, and he could almost pass as Sayid's brother.  Almost.   

2.  Jack is a mormon.

3.  Ben is Peter Pan.  Not the real Peter Pan, but in his mind he equates himself to being the Peter Pan of the Lost island.  Hurley is his Smee.

4.  The Dharma Initiative made global warming.

None of that should come as a surprise.  i mean, if you've watched 3 episodes of the show, you know that Ben thinks he can fly, Jack fancies multiple women, M Night hasn't had a good movie in ages, and that blaming global warming on non-existing entities works.  Nothing i've said so far should be news.  Now you're getting into where the news starts:

***DOUBLE***

***SPOILER***

***ALERT!!!***

***DOUBLE***

***SPOILER***

***ALERT!!!***

The whole show of Lost is just a Coldplay music video.  At the end of the last episode, you're going to see in the bottom left corner some sweet music video text that says the following:

"Lost"

Coldplay 

The 6 Seasons

Bad Robot

Dir. JJ Abrams

Think i'm wrong?  Think about this:

• JJ Abrams has no clue what's going on, just like Chris Martin.  
• Half of Lost takes place on a beach, just like the music video for Yellow. 
• Coldplay steals things, just like JJ Abrams.  They (Coldplay) stole their most recent hit song, and Lost is just a remake of some the hit NBC show Crusoe (I could blog for hours on the similarities between the two shows).
  
• Hugh Laurie was offered the spot as lead singer of Coldplay, and as any/every character for Lost (Imagine the whole show with just him.  It would make way more sense).  If you don't think this proves the link between Coldplay and Lost, it should be noted that both offers happened on the same plane ride from LAX to Toronto.  If that doesn't prove the link, JJ ABRAMS OFFERED THEM BOTH!  Seriously.  The caps proves it like no link could.
• Each season of Lost is supposed to be played while listening to one of Coldplay's albums.  Season 4 was shortened, supposedly because of the strike, but really because of the fact that Vida La Vida only had a few songs worth listening to while watching Lost.
• Chris Martin is an anagram for MI CHARTA RINS, which is Atlantian for I'm JJ Abrams clone.
  
• The Dharma Initiative began in the late 1980s to write songs that sounded better while using Acid.  Regardless of what JJ Abrams switches it to, the fact is, Dharma Initiative=group of strung out hippies writing music for Coldplay.
• Lastly, JJ Abrams and Christ Martin have never been seen together...  You think that kills this theory?  You think that proves me wrong?  You think that makes you a tough guy?  You think you're better than me?  i've got more zeroes to my name than all the non-Honey Nut Cheerios you ate this morning, Mr./Mrs. High Cholesterol.  JJ and Chris have made it a point to ignore each other in public, but use other means to communicate.

i'm sure you're all wondering if there's any way to verify this information.  There is.  Use acid, put Safety in your CD player, and turn on Season 1 of Lost.  At the end of the season, i dare you to tell me i'm wrong.

blog out,

matt

B Train minus the post-hipster beverage

i was driving on some errands (important ones, i'm not a PA), when i realized how smart my brain is.  i was thinking about a video, when i suddenly realized something about myself.  If most people use 10% of their brain, i use 20.  And if most people really use 90%, i use 180%.  That's right.  i don't use 10% more, i use twice as much.  if you were a pc computer, i'd be two macs and a linux machine, all working together in harmony to build viruses to lol into your face.

But seriously, my brain is awesome.  

My next fun video projects are all stop motion, and the one i'm most excited about (so far) is a stop motion of a Furby singing "Come Sail Away" by Styx.  You read that right.  It's such a great statement i almost blew one of my nine swears on it.  If that doesn't get your goat yodeling, imagine adding in a tyrannosaurus rex stepping on sheep.  Got your attention now?  If your brain was working at twice it's capacity, you would have realized how awesome this was back at the word "My" in this paragraph.  Noob.

i cannot feel sorry for you, because my heightened intellect realized long ago that unlocking the key to my incredible brainpower wasn't in your reach.  One day, when you're bringing me a glass of chardonnay in the throne room your family helped construct before i had them all sent to the bean fields, you'll realize that i wasn't being cruel, because i cured all sickness.  So what if i enslaved mankind?  Even the best super heroes (if you had my brain, you would have realized i'm a super hero long ago) have flaws, and my flaw is far better than Superman.  i never left the world because i had a kid, and i certainly never made a movie as crappy as King Kong (makes sense to me, sorry pint-brained dweeb).

in conclusion, well, actually, i don't need to conclude.  It's not my fault you can't keep up with me, and i came to my conclusion before i typed in the title of this blog.

blog out,

matt