My theories on Lost

i like Lost.  i'm almost ashamed of it, after how last season went.  Long, boring, and slightly out of control.  Nevertheless, i watch it and i'm excited for the new season.  The reason i'm excited?  i know what's happening.  In fact, i know how the series is going to end.  If you're willing to risk the series being ruined, read ahead, otherwise turn back to this page in a couple years, when ABC promises it will end.

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First things first, some of the less important subplot resolutions:

1.  M Night Shamalan will show up in the last episode.  Not because he had anything to do with the series.  Because in a year, he's going to be desperate for work, and he could almost pass as Sayid's brother.  Almost.   

2.  Jack is a mormon.

3.  Ben is Peter Pan.  Not the real Peter Pan, but in his mind he equates himself to being the Peter Pan of the Lost island.  Hurley is his Smee.

4.  The Dharma Initiative made global warming.

None of that should come as a surprise.  i mean, if you've watched 3 episodes of the show, you know that Ben thinks he can fly, Jack fancies multiple women, M Night hasn't had a good movie in ages, and that blaming global warming on non-existing entities works.  Nothing i've said so far should be news.  Now you're getting into where the news starts:

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The whole show of Lost is just a Coldplay music video.  At the end of the last episode, you're going to see in the bottom left corner some sweet music video text that says the following:

"Lost"

Coldplay 

The 6 Seasons

Bad Robot

Dir. JJ Abrams

Think i'm wrong?  Think about this:

• JJ Abrams has no clue what's going on, just like Chris Martin.  
• Half of Lost takes place on a beach, just like the music video for Yellow. 
• Coldplay steals things, just like JJ Abrams.  They (Coldplay) stole their most recent hit song, and Lost is just a remake of some the hit NBC show Crusoe (I could blog for hours on the similarities between the two shows).
  
• Hugh Laurie was offered the spot as lead singer of Coldplay, and as any/every character for Lost (Imagine the whole show with just him.  It would make way more sense).  If you don't think this proves the link between Coldplay and Lost, it should be noted that both offers happened on the same plane ride from LAX to Toronto.  If that doesn't prove the link, JJ ABRAMS OFFERED THEM BOTH!  Seriously.  The caps proves it like no link could.
• Each season of Lost is supposed to be played while listening to one of Coldplay's albums.  Season 4 was shortened, supposedly because of the strike, but really because of the fact that Vida La Vida only had a few songs worth listening to while watching Lost.
• Chris Martin is an anagram for MI CHARTA RINS, which is Atlantian for I'm JJ Abrams clone.
  
• The Dharma Initiative began in the late 1980s to write songs that sounded better while using Acid.  Regardless of what JJ Abrams switches it to, the fact is, Dharma Initiative=group of strung out hippies writing music for Coldplay.
• Lastly, JJ Abrams and Christ Martin have never been seen together...  You think that kills this theory?  You think that proves me wrong?  You think that makes you a tough guy?  You think you're better than me?  i've got more zeroes to my name than all the non-Honey Nut Cheerios you ate this morning, Mr./Mrs. High Cholesterol.  JJ and Chris have made it a point to ignore each other in public, but use other means to communicate.

i'm sure you're all wondering if there's any way to verify this information.  There is.  Use acid, put Safety in your CD player, and turn on Season 1 of Lost.  At the end of the season, i dare you to tell me i'm wrong.

blog out,

matt

B Train minus the post-hipster beverage

i was driving on some errands (important ones, i'm not a PA), when i realized how smart my brain is.  i was thinking about a video, when i suddenly realized something about myself.  If most people use 10% of their brain, i use 20.  And if most people really use 90%, i use 180%.  That's right.  i don't use 10% more, i use twice as much.  if you were a pc computer, i'd be two macs and a linux machine, all working together in harmony to build viruses to lol into your face.

But seriously, my brain is awesome.  

My next fun video projects are all stop motion, and the one i'm most excited about (so far) is a stop motion of a Furby singing "Come Sail Away" by Styx.  You read that right.  It's such a great statement i almost blew one of my nine swears on it.  If that doesn't get your goat yodeling, imagine adding in a tyrannosaurus rex stepping on sheep.  Got your attention now?  If your brain was working at twice it's capacity, you would have realized how awesome this was back at the word "My" in this paragraph.  Noob.

i cannot feel sorry for you, because my heightened intellect realized long ago that unlocking the key to my incredible brainpower wasn't in your reach.  One day, when you're bringing me a glass of chardonnay in the throne room your family helped construct before i had them all sent to the bean fields, you'll realize that i wasn't being cruel, because i cured all sickness.  So what if i enslaved mankind?  Even the best super heroes (if you had my brain, you would have realized i'm a super hero long ago) have flaws, and my flaw is far better than Superman.  i never left the world because i had a kid, and i certainly never made a movie as crappy as King Kong (makes sense to me, sorry pint-brained dweeb).

in conclusion, well, actually, i don't need to conclude.  It's not my fault you can't keep up with me, and i came to my conclusion before i typed in the title of this blog.

blog out,

matt

Look at this

In 2001 Nickelback had a hit song called 'How You Remind Me', where Chad Kroeger tells the complex story of how an airline stewardess reminds him of an ex-wife.  The band hadn't sold out yet, and you saw the pain and heartbreak Chad had endured.  I wanted to reach out to him, to tell him it would be alright, but my parents were cheap and wouldn't pay for texting on my phone.

I obsessed over the song.  I threw out all my Christian Ska and Furthermore records, and began listening to this new, raw, real rock and roll song.  'How You Remind Me' was the only thing that kept me from falling in line with all those zombie kids who liked Sugar Ray, Pink, and Lil' Bow WoW.  It was my anthem. 

After 'How You Remind Me' showed me that a man can truly live after love, Chad pushed me away.  With his track 'Never Again', I feared he wouldn't open up anymore, since I had been unable to reach out to him, and when I wept for the injustice caused by my parents, he released 'Too Bad'.  

For 7 years I tried to avoid his songs, because of the gaping hole he left in my heart.  Where was the man who wrote 'How You Remind Me', and how could he be reminded again of his awesome potential.  My heart broken, I fell back into the Christian Ska craze that had plagued my youth.  I turned the radio off for nigh on 6 years, until the need for traffic and weather reports pried open the fragile remains of my heart.

When i first heard Nickelback had a new single on the radio, you can imagine how I wanted to crash my car into a ditch filled with explosives and small, fragile baby giraffes.  I was so overcome with grief, I was ready to quit listening to the radio altogether. 

Until I heard the title of the song.

'Gotta be Somebody' or  The anguished cry of Chad Kroeger and his complexly deep soul.  I began listening retroactively to his music.  In 'Photograph' I learned about his past, and in 'Rockstar' I saw a glimpse behind the facade of his 'Rockstar' image.  Again there was more than just a heartless, Fred Durst wannabe in Chad Kroeger.

'Gotta be Somebody' is Chad saying to all of the loyal fans (like me, but not me, because we parted ways long ago) that he appreciates them and promises to deliver more touching songs in the future.  It may not be his normal style of song, but it's incredible.  You can see it in his lyrics.

A thousand times I've seen you standing 

Gravity like lunar landing 

That's pretty sweet, especially considering that space is the final frontier, and he's saying that we are all a part of his final frontier.  

You make me want to run till' I find you 

And yet, we're in space and he's running.  He's got super powers.  Chad is like Superman and the guy who was sort of like Superman from one of the last Superman movies.  I didn't see it all, and I was 10 when I watched it, so I'm not sure, but I think Superman and the other guy were sort of like Chad's illegitimate fathers.

I shut the world away from here 

I drift to you, you're all I hear 
As everything we know fades to black 

It's hard to even imagine what went through his head here, but my guess is that he's singing about how at concerts when the lights go out, he's usually unable to see the fans, but he can still hear them.  

Half the time the world is ending 
Truth is I am done pretending 

Chad has always been an active stopper of global warming, and he's finally bringing it to the forefront of his musical prowess.  How can you ignore the truth when the world is half destroyed already?  Don't be foolish.

I never thought that I 
Had anymore to give 
You're pushing me so far 
Here I am without you

And now we get to it.  Nickelback is Nickelback because the fans believe in Chad, but they sometimes push him farther than he can go alone.  Chad doesn't want to fall into where he was with 'How you Remind Me', but he does want to give us more beautiful music.

 
Drink to all that we have lost 
Mistakes we have made 
Everything will change 
But love remains the same 

A man like Chad has lost a lot, and here he reflects on his mistakes, and how there's got to be someone, somewhere, who will share love with him, no matter how many mistakes he's made.  

I find a place where we escape 
Take you with me for the space 

He's inviting his fans to go up into space with him... like a cult leader... but I think it's way cooler, because he's a rockstar. 

The city buzz sounds just like a fridge

After talking about space, he slows things down.  Chad had trouble as a child coming to terms with the cold air coming from his family's refridgerator.  His older brothers, Chaz and Chet, once threw him into the food cooling and storage unit and barred the door shut for almost 3 hours.  After the incident, Chad decided to forego the fridge, because the sound haunted him.  He wants to leave the city.

 
I walk the streets through seven bars 
I have to find just where you are 

Even though Chad wants to leave, if he can't find us, he's going to stay.  The Proclaimers walked 500 miles (and possibly 500 more, although that was an if, then thing... "if i walk 500 miles and don't find you, then i will walk 500 more"), but Chad says that he'll walk until he finds us, stopping at nothing.  He has to know.  

The faces seem to blur 
They're all the same 

These are the non-fans.  One day, Chad will bring all of us into his ship, and all of the non-fans will gnash their teeth on the outside, crying as we leave, knowing that without Chad, the world is going to suck.

Half the time the world is ending 
Truth is I am done pretending 

This time, the world is ending because he's leaving, but he still doesn't want us to skip on the recycling.  It's important.

After that he goes into the chorus, and that's all the same stuff.  You can reread it from above if you want.

So much more to say 
So much to be done 
Don't you trick me out 
We shall overcome 
It's all left still to play 

This post-second chorus bit is probably the part that sucker punches my heart the most viciously.  Chad really cares about me.  He wants us to do everything, but understands that we can't.  Instead, he wants us to overcome together, and maybe put on a play.  Knowing Chad, it will probably be a hilarious parody of one of Shakespeare's work, chocked full of modern jokes.

We should've had the sun 
Could have been inside 
Instead we're over here 

As the ship prepares to take off, Chad says one last thing to all the haters.  When he says 'we're over here', he's really saying 'me and all my fans, we're going, you could have come, but you were foolish. Peace, suck it, I'm out.'

Half the time the world is ending 
Truth is I am done pretending 
Too much time too long defending 
You and I are done pretending 

And smack.  The world is ending because Chad is gone, and he's not even going to pretend to miss the haters.  We're going to somewhere better.  No more defending beautiful lyrics to the stupid masses, it's time for Chad to quit wasting time on those who don't get the deep message of his song.

Chad has captured the hearts of millions, and I hope that all of the haters reading this will realize that they've got it all wrong.  Nickelback is the best band ever, thanks to Chad and his awesomeness.  Chad, I'm sorry for ever being a doubter. 

blog out,

matt