Swearing rules (not SWEARING RULZ!!!)

I'm a firm believer in the fact that there are times appropriate for swearing.  Swearing can be used to emphasize a point, make an average joke incredible, and just make the sun shine a little bit brighter, if only for a short while.  My dad has had a grand slam of swears (that means he's said them all) in the last 4 years, and they all came out in ways that made everyone in the family laugh... even if he didn't say them expecting laughs.  Who could do anything about the story of "a b!"

On top of being useful, I believe swear words have to be earned.  The problem I have with most sweary-typed people is that they use them way too often.  I mean, I've heard guys use 3-5 words in a sentence.  Cool dude, way to water down everything.

I have earned 9 swears this year.  9.  That means that Mr. Cool dude from above used half of my quota for 2008 in one sentence.  It might happen, but I earned mine from 3 injuries that were painful, embarrassing, and altogether unpleasant.  Since the first injury, I began compiling a chart on how to know how many swears you have, since ignorance is no excuse to overswear.

1 Swear

• Immediately following a stubbed toe (2 if it happens in the shower)
  
• Missing your exit and having to drive another 3 miles before taking the next exit... and it has no on ramp going the other way.
  
• Finding out that Obama isn't a republican (only applies before 2008 or after the election)
• Finding out that Sarah Palin is (must use immediately)
• Buying anything Apple makes the day before an "unveiling." 
• Dropping a first aid kit into a toilet, and then telling the employee who saw it who just met you "it's okay, the bags water proof," but when you open it, it looks like the water seeped through.  

2 Swear

• Being Brett Favre
• Leaving your car keys in the car, and then not finding your magnet key device, because you never put it on because you used that key when you left your first one in the car and now they're both in the car.
• Getting poked in one eye.  Then getting poked in the other.  
• Forgetting the whole reason you drove 30 minutes in the snow.
• Getting into a low speed car accident.

3 Swear

• Broken bones (3 per bone)
  
• Any injury that prevent activity
• Missing the game winning field goal
• Being stuck in a car with a driver who listens to Nickelback (or 1 Swear per song, maximum 10 swears per album)
• Telling the wrong girl/guy you like them on facebook because of an accidental tab.
• Finding out that the girl/guy you like didn't really like you, they just accidentally pushed tab (multiply by 10 if this whole incident takes place in person)

5 Swear

• Burning your toast beyond repair.
  
• Finding out your roommate does Quixtar
• Having cancer (5 is the lowball, use your own judgement based on severity)
• Finding proof the moon landing was fake